Tuesday, June 26, 2012

MMS: Timing is Everything

I scratched my original plan for today’s post after a disagreement had last night. 
Sometimes things just fall right into your lap and you can either use it or lose it.
In this case, I lost it a little bit and then decided to use it.

Yesterday evening, Brian invited me to join him outside in the hot tub for a little relaxation.
The moon was out and the stars were bright.
I climbed in to join him,
Excited and ready,
To talk business.

What? Don't judge. 
It seemed like the perfect opportunity to discuss an upcoming business venture we are going to be embarking on.
I got comfortable and anticipated a smooth chat with my husband.
He has said he wanted my input throughout, but I had made it pretty clear that I will be minimally involved, but appreciate my opinion being valued when I choose to give it.

I wanted to talk about the timing of something. 
And he listened to my point, gave me what felt like a half-hearted response, and rolled his eyes at me when I insisted asked for more.
Oh no he didn't.
Y'all...I do not take kindly to eye rolling or anything I deem to be condescending.
And because Brian is truly the smartest human I know, sometimes I feel talked down to.
Especially when it involves finance or business...his specialties.

I was far better at displaying my feelings than usual, probably because I felt completely "in the right."  I climbed out (rather dramatically), told him I'd expected a better response, and walked inside to do laundry [insert hair toss].
Hint: when your husband upsets you and then you do something nice, he usually feels even worse...therefore speeding up the apology.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Never came.
He waltzed in, happy as a lark, showered with that clean towel I just set out, and proceeded to watch ESPN.
I was puzzled. By puzzled, I mean livid.
I spent a few minutes angry, got distracted by the Bachelorette, and then felt...sad.
He was wrong. Right?

Here is where I get to my point.
Was he really wrong?
I don't believe he should have rolled his eyes at me.
I don't believe he should have showed such a lack of interest in my opinion.
But where one seems to be so clearly at fault, there is usually an equal contributor.

So where did I screw up?

That's what I missed.
How ironic, since that was the very topic I chose to bring up.
I missed the signals I so desperately expect him to always naturally get from me.
Brian just wanted to spend some one-on-one time with me and I took it and made it businessy.
Not only did he feel blindsided that I even had an opinion on this topic, but he felt like I wasn't listening nor was I trusting him to lead this. I just out of the blue expected him to listen to me when I felt like being heard.

So who owes who the apology?
I think my actions cut deeper and at the end of the day I disrespected him more than he did me.
So I took the punch.
It felt bittersweet at first, as apologies often do, but great after, as they always do.

So the takeaway from this is that I am the wife of the year.
No, I just had a good moment and these are rare so I am savoring it.

The real takeaway is that you have to get timing right in a lot of things in life, especially marriage, on the big and the small things.  Knowing when to tell her that the black dress looks better than the red is just as important as knowing when to talk about investments.  The benefit of marriage is that we get to know our spouse more than anyone else in the world ever will.  With that power comes the responsibility of seeking out what they need from you at any given time, and doing your best to give them that when you can.

But good luck, because this one is tough!


Ashley Amick said...

Oh Sara,
What an inspiring post.
Definitely something I need to work on ;-)
Love you blog.

Sara said...

Thank you so much, Ashley :) And I hear ya, it's something I am always working on! xo

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